My hidden struggle

I tend to keep a lot of things to myself.  I don't feel it is necessary for everyone to know about struggles I may be facing at the moment.  And I really debated awhile about re-starting this blog. 
How much should I share and what am I comfortable sharing?  
Those close to me know that I get Migraines, some days you just can't hide that fact.  The extent of how they consumed me was never shared with anyone, and until recently my own husband never knew what I went through almost daily.
As far back as I remember I have had headaches.  I can still remember coming home from the park as a little girl and needing to lay in bed and sleep with a cold cloth over my eyes.
As an adult they went from occasional headaches to almost daily.  I would wake up in the morning and know at that moment what would get me through the day.  A great day was 2 Advil after breakfast and i would be good to go.  A good day called for a stronger prescription strength (those were the ones I would get for a toothache or something and save just for my headaches) and a bad day was when I had to bring out the big guns.  I would normally need a refill every month. And I would never leave the house without them.  Very rare was there a day that I didn't have some kind of pounding going on in my head.  I didn't want to be that person who was always complaining about something hurting so I never said anything except to my doctor.  I couldn't hide the bad days though because those days I felt like my head was going to explode and they were the days that I couldn't hold back the tears, even though that made my head throb even more.  I remember one day, the kids just would not stop making noise and all I wanted to do was close my eyes.  I went into the bathroom, sat on the floor with the lights out and just cried.  This was my normal.
And then one day they just stopped.  They became less and less and I realized it when I opened my drawer and saw my Migraine pills.  When was the last time I renewed my prescription?  OMG....what is going on.  When I sat down to think about it I realized that it was shortly after I started getting myself healthy.  All I can figure was that something I was doing before was causing them and when I changed and stopped drinking soda, cutting out bad fast food and yes started drinking my shakes they went away.  Was I doing something that had caused my headaches?  All I know is that I never want to go back to that again so that means that I will never stop doing what I am doing now.  No soda,  it could have been something in there,. No McDonalds, maybe the fries or horrible meat caused them. Keep drinking my shakes because maybe my body was missing something that they have.  I have no idea.  All I know is that I feel like I have my life back and I don't want to give it back.
It has been 2 years since I have had a Migraine.   
  

Here goes nothing!!!!

 I set to start New Years Day 2012.  Yes, I made it my resolution.  Only I was not going to quit 10, 20 or 30 days into it.  I told myself go the full 90 days because that was the program.  So I started without telling anyone that I was doing it.  Why did I keep it a secret at first?  Because... what if it failed and I lost nothing.  The plan... keep doing my cardio that I have always done, with no success and drink 2 meal replacement shakes a day one for breakfast and one for lunch along with a full dinner as normal and snacks in between.  Piece of cake.....the shakes are yummy so I wasn't chocking those down.  I will admit the first few weeks was a struggle because I am a snacker,  getting past that urge to grab something everytime I walked through the kitchen sucked. 
The first time I stepped on the scale was about a month into this and it actually showed a loss.  Wow, I was not expecting that because I didn't feel different at the time.   I almost feel like I was waiting for that moment where I looked in the mirror and saw the change. But, I started telling people slowly what I was doing.  That was when I realized why I had decided to keep it to myself... almost everyone said the same thing "you are already skinny, you have no weight to lose, you are going to look to thin if you lose"  Over and Over those words filled my head, was I skinny enough am I doing this for nothing.  Should I listen to everyone or keep going. Thankfully I had a few cheerleaders in my corner that encouraged me.  I kept going.
I was in my 2nd month.  The next scale weigh-in was telling me that I was continuing to lose lbs.  And my clothes were getting loose, when did I need to wear a belt out of necessity over just for looks.  I started wearing jeans that had been sitting for years.  I was winning!!!!
I could stop now if I wanted to and it would still be a success.   I was almost done and I was actually feeling really good.  I was no longer having the doubts and I knew I could finish and so that is what I did.
At the end of my 90 days my total loss was at 16lbs and at least 5 inches in my waist.  I was down to a size 4.  And wait, not once in all my after pictures I posted did I hear anyone say " You are to skinny"  I did hear a lot of " Wow"!

 From the beginning I had to look at Why I wanted to do this.  First and foremost I needed to do it for ME.  But, I wanted to do it because my kids deserved a whole mom ( I will go into that in my next post.)  And I wanted to be able to be there for my granddaughter.  My family means everything to me.

If you want to learn more about the shakes I drank you can learn about them here LoveMyShakes

From the beginning

I would have never considered that I needed to lose a few lbs.  I never though of myself as thick.  Sure I had a muffin top that I learned how to hide but after 3 kids that is totally normal, right!!!

What woman doesn't walk past a store window and do the roll check? 

And I did exercise on a regular basis.  I took a kickboxing class 5 mornings a week for almost 2 years and had started to get into Zumba and Spinning,  I ran a 1/2 marathon ( OK, I did more walking then actual running).  Lots and lots of Cardio.

And then I just stopped everything......

What made me stop.... A little of this and a little of that.  I never saw a change, why am I busting my butt to see the exact same number on the scale.  The pressure.....being married to a fitness crazy guy can sometimes get a little overwhelming.  But, I think my biggest downfall was that I was in a complete and total funk and I had to find a way to dig myself out of it.

 

My eyes opened when one of my best friends got married.  I had ordered my bridesmaid dress over the phone thinking that it may need to be taken in a little but it should fit.  Wow....was I surprised,  it zipped tight and then I saw the pictures.  Nothing was hidden and the worst part was the Spanx I brought with me never made it on because I felt like they were cutting off circulation.  No...Seriously I couldn't breathe.

After that was when I decided that I need to do one of two things.  Either accept and continue to make excuses or I can really get serious and make changes.  But, if I was to really do it I had to do it for ME!!!!  Not because my husband was leaving not so subtle hints but, for ME.  So I made a game plan and told no one.

If this plan didn't work then I didn't know what would!

A little break

I disappeared for quite awhile.
Where have I been?  What made me come back?  Am I really back?
To say I changed my focus might be the easiest way to explain,  I walked out of the blogging world as a creative mom who loved scrapbooking and photography.  I still have my passion for photography but the scrapbooking has sat dormant for awhile.
My main focus has been me..... Finding the me that has been hidden behind being a wife and mom and now a grandma.  I have taken back my health, discovered that my clothing size can get smaller and not bigger and realizing that the gym is not a scary place.
So in those learning experiences I have decided to get back to blogging and share my journey with you.  Over the next few weeks I am going to take you through my experiences and what my lightbulb moment was. 
Welcome back to my world!!!!